The emotions I have suppressed erupt in a fashion uncontrollable.
I had wanted to care for you but I remained nothing more than an object of desire.
You can't understand. Don't confuse your lusting for caring. It's an easy thing to do. I have done it before and I am doing it with you. You let me continue to do this because of something you want. I say it's not fair. It isn't fair to exploit me for my weaknesses I have exposed. To take what I have given and use it to pleasure yourself. Oh these exchanges of body and soul that seem to be more than what they are. Confusion swirls in this mind and I am forced to tears from the inside. Tears of what? Joy? Sadness? Confusion? The conscience knows what I have done isn't right for me. Yet I do things to please you. Why would I want to please you so much...? My fear. Fear of rejection.
Oh it is a sad sad thing I must say. It's strange what goes on between us. It intrigues me. It's so easy. It's to easy so it can't be right. The right thing to do is always the hard thing to do. So I must leave this place. I must leave this state. I can't go back. Yet I am drawn to you like a magnet. Once I am set on being in your presence it seems nothing can get me away from you. I am lost in your sweet existence. Let me say I know this feeling. I know this feeling all to well. It hurts me how much I know it. It hurts so much to think that after all this time I still am lost. Yet I am more found now than I have been. My changes are just around the corner if someone would just let me! Misery loves company. Well I don't want to be your company in misery. I want light and love and peace and real heart to heart exchanges. Sex being separate from love...Ridiculous. Sex is an expression of emotion of love of Christ himself. I wont let you tell me that sex has nothing to do with my feelings and my love. I have had all to much of that sex that is separate from love. I don't want that. I don't want sex without love and commitment. So leave me be. Let me fulfill the path of the Lord. Let me walk with the Lord and Love HIM above all else. I am sorry if you do not have the Love of the Lord. I will pray for you. I will not be dragged down by the self destruction. I have had to many years of my own self destruction. I understand. I am here to lift you up and I can't lift you up if I am being brought down. Respect me and let me be. Respect me and find someone who shares your desires. My desires are beyond this world. Nothing any man will ever fulfill. Only God.